"Your destiny is too significant to be derailed by insecurity."- Unknown
I've really been struggling with insecurity lately. And frankly, I am not a fan of it.
I hate that I keep believing this contant lie that "I'm not good enough.".
To be completely honest, my life looks completely different than it did this time last year.
New year, new season, new baby... just new. And I'm having a hard time with it. Why is change so ridiculously hard?
I'm not upset that I have a new baby. Please don't think that. It's just that there is so much change that I almost feel like my life as I knew it is falling beneath me, so I'm desperately trying to hold on to what is comfortable and familiar.
I wish I could get past it. It seems like everyone else around me is doing better than I am. Why can't I be where they are? They are better emotionally, physically, creatively. Just better.
I want to be where they are. I want to just move on. And it's getting to the point where I'm willing to just give up and not care anymore. But just because I am not okay does not make that okay.
Am I willing to give up all the creative things swirling around in my head because people are (in my mind) better than I am?
Am I going to constantly compare myself to someone else because of the way that they look and I (in my mind) don't?
Am I going to get discouraged when people cope and grieve differently (in my mind) than I do?
Am I going to look up to the Lord and flat out tell Him that WHO he created me to be and HOW he created my feelings/emotions and WHERE He has me right now is not his plan? And that it's not right? and that it's not perfect?
Am I really going to say that I don't think that He has me right in the middle of his hands and that he does not have a purpose for every event in my life, right now, today?
I can't.
Just because I am not okay does not give me an out to doubt the Lord.
I had plans. I had plans on how I thought my life should look and feel. And, maybe things in life aren't His plan either. But it doesn't mean that there isn't purpose in it. And that He can't create good out of what looks and feels like trauma to me.
Dang. It's crazy how He speaks to me right in the middle of typing this all out. Love that. I was being completely ridiculous.
I'm okay. I really am. He has me right where He wants me and our little family. Now it's time to just suck it up, surrender my life (and mind) back to the Lord, and quit all this nonsense comparison.
Just ran across this quote
ReplyDeleteDOn't compare your beginnings to someone else's middle. Jon Acuff
You're not alone ;-)
I'm really blessed and humbled by your honesty, Kimber. I've totally been here, especially my first two years of marriage when I was going through clinical depression and everything was the exact opposite of how I imagined it to be. And I think the comparison issue is particularly hard for us as women, for whatever reason. I sure hate it.
ReplyDeleteI'll pray for you, and I hope this post encourages you as it has me, reminding me that God doesn't judge me in relation to other people, but only in my relation to him: http://www.desiringgod.org/resource-library/taste-see-articles/what-is-that-to-you-you-follow-me
This blog post gave me a lot to think about, especially some of your rhetorical questions:
ReplyDelete"Am I going to look up to the Lord and flat out tell Him that WHO he created me to be and HOW he created my feelings/emotions and WHERE He has me right now is not his plan? And that it's not right? and that it's not perfect?"
Thank you for having the transparency necessary to write it! It has been really helpful for me.