It's been the most grueling process and quite frankly, I wish the surgery was over. But the Surgeon has only JUST cut me open. He is removing all of the junk and extra tissue in my body so that he is the only one present in me. Right now, my day still can take a complete turn by one word or decision that someone else said or made. I get angry, hurt, so sad, and my day is basically over because I've allowed myself to let someone else control me emotionally. Soul-ties. They are incredibly unhealthy. And why is it that the people that I'm am closest to seem to hurt me the most? Because I'm emotionally invested in them. I need a Savior.
Today, I needed a Savior. As I was driving to get some last minute Christmas shopping done, I was bawling my eyes out in the car. (no make up, husband's huge t-shirt, leggings (sorry, y'all, but it happened) and boots....... lovely. any man's dream.) And of course, even if I just shed ONE tear, my whole face puffs up and I'm red faced for the next hour or so. I was bawling, so just imagine that scene. You're welcome. Anyways, as I was driving (and crying. so safe), I was talking with the Lord.
I don't understand, Lord. Please help me understand why this is even effecting me so much. I get free from it, and then there I am AGAIN dealing with the same thing. Why can't I heal? Why can't there be unity? Why would they do this?
and then I heard this:
"There can't be unity where there is sin. Satan is having a hay-day and would love nothing more than to use you as his pon to bring about more division. Remember that one time I was on the cross? After I was whipped, beaten, and nailed to the cross? I said, "Forgive them Lord, for they know not what they do." You are called to be like me. To talk like me. To walk like me. To extend grace like me. Extend grace, Kimber. I extend grace to you more than you will ever realize. Every hour I extend grace. and sometimes every minute. You hurt me without even realizing it. but I still love you."
Well, dang. Not exactly what I was wanting to hear. So you mean I'm supposed to love someone right after I was so angry, hurt and crying? Not so easy, Lord. But, GRACE. That's where His grace comes in. Because, you see, Adam and Eve sinned in the garden. The Lord decided, wanted to, CHOSE to, send HIS SON to redeem us. I can't even imagine saying, "Here, since you sinned, and I love you so much, that I am going to sacrifice my daughter whom I love with every ounce of my heart, My Caroline, to save you so that you will once again be right with me. Because I love you." I'd be a little reserved. But he wasn't. He knew his son would be whipped, beaten, bruised, nailed to a cross so that my sins would be forgiven. Wow.
And I'm supposed to be like Christ. To trust him to work it all out. To extend grace when hurt people are continually hurting people. To know that He is still going to bat for me. To be able to relax knowing that he knows how it's all going to work out. To rest in the fact that this is spiritual battle, and that my job and duty is to pray, and not fight the war on my own.
He sent His Son. I can at least send grace.